To Have and to Hold
by China Dolly
Summary: At this second Christmas, Heero still hasn’t gotten over Duo’s sudden departure. Perhaps this year will be better. Please R


**Title:** To have and to Hold

**Summary:** At this second Christmas, Heero still hasn't gotten over Duo's sudden departure. Perhaps this year will be better.

**Chapters:** 1/1

**Warnings:** Perhaps some cursing and a bit of shounen ai.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters.

**To have and to hold**

_HE _was decorating a Christmas tree. If Duo had been there he'd have a seizure. But Duo wasn't there. Not anymore. And that's why he was decorating that tree. Because after that time, he still heard that annoying loud voice singing Christmas carols. This year they sounded better though, the soft and delicate voices from the CD drifting from the boxes. But, he decided as the stereo shifted to yet another Christmas CD, it wasn't Duo.

He smiled lightly as his eye fell upon a little music box. Duo had given it to him on Christmas Eve, two years ago. It had a golden standard and two little, golden, Christmas angels on top of it. When you wound it up, it would play "Jingo-bells".

Two years ago, he thought as he sighed. It certainly had been a while. He closed his eyes for a moment and sat down onto black couch standing in the middle of the living room. Certainly been a while since the last time he'd seen Duo. Since the last time he had seen his wonderful smile and even longer since he'd last felt his arms around him and his lips on Duo's.

But this was no time thinking about that now. He thought as he stood up again. He shot one last look at the Christmas tree. He had to say he'd done a great job. The tree was in red, blue and white. The exact same colors that Duo had used when he'd set up the Christmas tree the first year in the safe house. And when the two of them decorated the tree the next year. Quatre had loved the tree. He hadn't ever had one because of his background religion, but he still loved it.

Which reminded him he still had to call Quatre for the small Christmas-party he was giving. So ten minutes later, he was rolling his eyes at the brightness radiating off of Quatre. He smirked and on a tone that he developed the past few months he asked: 'Something good happened?'

'O, nothing too big.' Quatre answered with a laugh and after that leaned forwards on his elbows. 'Anyway, what were you calling for?'

'Can't I just call?' He asked but Quatre shook his head. 'You've changed, Heero. But not that much.' Quatre answered and Heero rolled his eyes. Okay, so Quatre was right. So what? The good thing was that he'd changed. The bad thing it being too late. By the time he'd changed and adapted himself enough, Duo had left already.

'The Christmas Party. Just to remind you.' He said and Quatre smiled. 'I wouldn't forget it, I'm looking forward to it way too much!'

'Don't think to much of it.' Heero grunted out. 'It's just casual, nothing like your Christmas party from last year.'

'Well, last year was like, really big, I have to admit that.' Quatre said, a little flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. 'Even for me.'

'Yes, indeed. But I was actually going to call you to tell that Wufei is coming, too.' He said, smiling lightly as he saw the slight blush appear on Quatre's cheeks. 'That's good, it's been a while since I last seen him.'

'Wouldn't have thought so,' Heero said, smiling. He had known for a while now that Quatre had a crush on Wufei. But he wasn't the type of person to say something about it. So he just kept his mouth shut and felt that jealous feeling burning in his stomach when Quatre blushed talking about Wufei.

It wasn't that he couldn't be happy for his friend. Quite the opposite of it actually. He couldn't have been happier for his two friends. It was just that he found it unfair.

After war he had been taught, that even though what you did during that time, you still deserved to have someone that cared. And he found it unfair that everyone around him had someone they loved, except for him. The person he had come to love at the end of war had disappeared only two months after war had ended.

'Thinking of Duo again?' Quatre suddenly asked, and Heero's head shot up. 'What?' He asked. It wasn't that he was implying for Quatre to just drop the topic, he really hadn't heard him right. It was always like this. He never lost focus over something, only when he was thinking about Duo. And Quatre was the only one who seemed to know when he was thinking about the braided young man. If he even still had a braid, Heero thought. God knows what that boy had been up to the past two years.

'I asked if you were thinking about Duo again. As you seem to do a lot lately, by the way. But it seems you are.' Quatre said, this time with a sad smile on his face. 'We'll find him soon, Heero. Wufei is still looking for him.' Quatre said but Heero just sighed. There was only this much the Preventers could do. And if Duo Maxwell didn't want to be found, he wasn't going to be found any time soon. And if they found him… Heero shivered as he looked away from the screen, muttering: 'Yeah, as what kind of person?'

'Heero, come on. Have a little trust.' Quatre said trying to smile reassuringly, but for what seemed the first time, failing. 'In who… Wufei?' He asked and shook his head. 'You know as well as I do Duo doesn't want to be found and it will stay that way until he changes it. And have trust in Duo?' Heero questioned and his eyes turned sad. An emotion he had discovered only soon after Duo had left. And he hated it. 'How can I?' He whispered. 'He…' He started, but didn't get as far as he would've wished. His voice faltered and he had to swallow. Quatre looked at him, looking down for a moment, and then trying to look straight into Heero's eyes. 'Then just try to push it off of you. At least during Christmas.'

'I'll try, yes. When will you be arriving, by the way?' Heero asked, subtle changing the subject as he did most of the time when Duo started to dominate a conversation. 'Well,' Quatre started, scratching the back of his head a little uncomfortably. 'The 23rd. I'm sorry. I wish I could be there sooner, but I'm afraid that work is keeping me.'

'Ah, okay. You know anything about Trowa, then? Wufei will also arrive the 23rd because of some Preventer mission. At least, so he says.' Heero said and Quatre nodded. 'I'm not sure, but I thought Trowa said he could leave the 20th, so that means he'll be at your place the 21st. You have to call him to be sure, though.'

'All right, I'll do that.'

'Okay, then I guess I'll see you on Christmas.' Quatre said and Heero smiled. 'Yeah, until then.'

As Quatre had said, Trowa would arrive the 20th. It was now the 17th, so that meant he still had three days to fill. He didn't know what he would do in those days, but he thought perhaps it was nice to just spend them alone, doing nothing. Unlike last year, when he had worked until late night until Christmas. He couldn't do that now, though. Only three months ago he had quit his job with the Preventers. Everybody was surprised with the rational choice, as was Heero himself, but he found that fighting after war was just a waste of time.

The next morning he awoke at eleven thirty. He stretched and shot a look towards the window. To his own surprise snow was falling. He smiled as he stood up and walked towards the window. Earth was a nice place to live. He didn't know what he liked more, though. The people living here or the mere fact that weather couldn't be predicted a hundred percent.

When he had showered and dressed, he grabbed his keys and his jacket and went out the door. Two days to go until Trowa came. Today he had to do some grocery shopping and perhaps he would go by the neighbors to see how their little daughter Shelly was doing.

A couple of weeks ago Mary, Shelly's mother, had come by to ask him for a favor. He could see she was embarrassed about it, but he wasn't going to judge her question on that. She asked if he wanted to baby-sit Shelly sometimes, because she and her husband worked late at least once a week. He had doubted at first, but he did agree. And later on he found he was kind of fond of the girl.

And like that those two days went by. Trowa had called to say he would arrive in the evening. When finally the doorbell rung Heero was busy cooking dinner. When he opened the door he saw Trowa. It had certainly been a while since he had seen the young man. He hadn't grown, thank God! But his face had lost a bit of the boyish touches, making his jaw line sharper. Although Heero noted that finally Catherine succeeded to change the boys' fashion-sense. And she'd done it good. Lightly faded, loose jeans and a white blouse, two top buttons undone, were much better on Trowa than any turtleneck could have been.

'Hi,' Trowa started, a smile on his face. And she'd immediately taught him how to smile, Heero thought with a smirk. 'Hey, come on in.' He said and moved out of the way for Trowa to enter. Who had changed him, exactly? He wondered for a moment but dismissed it. Probably Duo, before he left, Quatre and some influences from Zechs when he still worked with the Preventers.

'Just put your stuff down next to the couch, dinner is almost done.' He said with a small wave towards the couch before he strolled further towards the kitchen. Trowa put his stuff down and followed obediently, sitting down in one of the kitchen chairs and watching Heero cook with slight fascination.

'During war I wouldn't have thought you a cook kind of person.' He remarked suddenly and Heero looked up. 'During war I wouldn't even have thought I was anything.' Heero said, shrugging. Trowa nodded agreeing. 'Same for me, yes. Although we've changed quite the bit.' Trowa said and Heero couldn't do anything but agree. Although for Trowa the years had been gradually better. At least he had a person to care for, to take an example by. For Heero though it had been slightly harder. He had had Quatre, yes. But Quatre was a busy young man, and Heero felt guilty for bothering him with his indolence at learning.

He had mostly adapted by himself. Thinking that when he was finally what Duo had wanted him to be all along, the man would return to his side. But he didn't. Which in the beginning made Heero think he had failed. That he still wasn't the perfect man for Duo. But now he realized that Duo just needed more time adapting to this new world than Heero did. Although he forced himself not to believe it.

'Although it's strange that Duo hasn't changed that much. I wouldn't have expected that from him at all.' Trowa said and Heero's head shot up, a frown on his face. 'How would you know?'

'I've seen Duo, a couple of months ago.' He said, and paled a bit as he saw Heero grip the counter, hard. The other man had closed his eyes and was breathing hard. 'I told Quatre. I... I don't know why he decided not to tell you.' He said but Heero just shook his head. He knew why the blonde hadn't told him. He would get worried, go looking. It wouldn't have been any help at all. So instead he just looked up at Trowa and ask him to tell about it. And Trowa did so.

It was three months ago. He and Catherine were strolling down the streets in the little town they were staying. Until suddenly Catherine froze. Trowa turned around and asked what was wrong. But Catherine only turned to him, wide eyes, pointing to the other side of the street, saying: "Isn't that Duo?"

And Trowa also turned his eyes, seeing she was right. Because there was standing the long-haired American. He looked bad, dirty, tired. With four long strides Trowa was on the other side of the road, standing behind Duo and calling out the other man's name.

Duo turned, looking like a deer caught in headlights. Although his expression calmed a bit, he still looked frightened as Trowa asked what he was doing here. Duo swiftly dodged the question, just as the ones where he came from, where he was heading and how he was doing.

But Trowa could see the man wasn't doing fine. His eyes had lost all light and the same happy-wave that seemed to come off of him normally had disappeared.

Trowa invited Duo to come with them to the camp, to stay the night. With a little of hesitation Duo agreed and he stayed the night.

"What's wrong with him? He isn't the Duo that I remember. Even during war he looked better than he does now." Catherine had said and Trowa could only nod, feeling bad for the American.

The next morning Duo stayed for breakfast, but left soon after. He left without actually saying a word of how he was doing, and Trowa was worried.

Only five minutes after Duo had left he called Quatre and told the other man. How is he? Where has he been? Where is he headed? Quatre asked.

'But I couldn't answer him, because Duo never told me.' Trowa said sadly, looking down. Meanwhile Heero had gone further with his cooking. He was now putting plates down onto the table and sat down without a word. He didn't even mutter an "enjoy your dinner" and they ate in silence.

But after five minutes or so, Heero spoke up. 'Trowa?'

'Yes?' Trowa asked, looking at Heero and seeing the sadness in the mans eyes, even though Heero tried to hide it, it was very clear to see. 'About Duo, huh.'

'Yeah?' Trowa said. He knew he could better just be silent and wait, but he was real curious about what Heero wanted to know. 'Does he still have his braid?' Heero asked and Trowa stared at him. His eyes wide, his mouth agape, he looked a lot like a goldfish. 'Wha -' He started and frowned. Perhaps it was better not to ask, but just to answer, he thought as he smirked. 'Yeah, he wouldn't cut if off even if his life depended on it.' He said, and a bit of relief washed over Heero's face.

It was now nine thirty, and Heero didn't feel good. He stood up with a sigh and started to walk towards his bedroom. 'I'm off to bed. Will you turn off the lights later?' He asked, not turning to Trowa. 'Hm,' Trowa answered and Heero walked further. But just the moment he entered the dark hallway, he heard Trowa speak up with a calm voice. 'He misses you, if it is any help.'

'If he really does, he knows where to find me.' Heero spoke, standing still for a moment. Only half an hour later when he was lying in bed, did he feel a bit happy.

That morning, when Trowa awoke around ten o'clock he put on a robe and walked towards the living room. When he entered he saw Heero sitting on the window-seat, staring out the window with a sad gaze. He sighed softly and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. When he entered the living room again, he pulled up a chair next to the window and Heero looked up, coming face to face with a hot, steaming cup of coffee. He took it without a word and looked outside again.

'Something tells me you didn't get a good night of sleep.' Trowa said but Heero only nodded as a reply. 'You know, you should have a little hope that he will be coming, Heero.' Trowa said and Heero's head shot up. 'Quatre also told me to have faith.'

'Not faith, Heero. Hope. Just hope that he will be coming.' Trowa said with a gentle smile. He blew some steam away from his cup and leaned his head on his hand, of which the elbow rested on the arm of the chair. He took a sip of coffee before he smirked and continued.

'Duo needs a light in his eyes. Duo needs to smile, and mean it. Duo needs someone that is there to make him shine.' He said, and Heero frowned.

He didn't understand at all. Was Trowa saying that Duo needed him, that was just bullshit. If the other man really needed him, he would be here. 'Heero, Duo needs someone that takes care of him. And he thinks he'll find that out there. I think he doesn't realize just half how much you care, Heero. He needs you, and he doesn't realize it. But I'm very sure he will realize that soon. He will come by, and he will become the Duo you've always known. With a real smile. I'm sure of it. You only need to have a little faith and hope that everything will be fine.' Trowa said and Heero looked at him.

He would come. If everybody told him to believe that, to hope for it, perhaps he should. So he decided that he would try. He would try to believe those words, then.

'Those weren't your words, where they?' Heero suddenly asked and Trowa frowned. 'Changing the subject I see,' he said, taking another sip of his coffee before continuing. 'No, they were actually Catherine's words.'

'Heero, so good to see you!' And before he knew it, Heero had two arms full of sparkling blue eyes and blonde hair. A little taken aback he stared at the blonde Arab in his arms. 'Hi Quatre.' He said, smiling down at the blonde. A brotherly smile, Trowa noted. So Quatre now has an older brother to look after. He thought and smirked.

'O, this is gonna be such a nice Christmas, I'm sure of it!' Quatre said, as he hung up his coat and grabbed a big bag, taking it to the Christmas tree. Heero and Trowa shot each other a meaningful gaze before turning back to the blonde, who was laying presents under the tree.

It made them feel a little bit guilty that they only bought one present for each of the ex-pilots. But Quatre couldn't care less what they bought. He just loved to give things, and he would continue to do so.

'It's so good to see you, honestly! I'm glad I got away from work on time. It's such a hassle during these times...' He said, happily chatting away without even knowing if the other two were listening. But suddenly he fell silent as he gaze fell upon a present laying under the tree. He picked it up with extreme gentleness and Heero knew immediately which present it was. Quatre turned on his heels and looked at Heero with a gentle smile. 'You've bought Duo a present.'

It wasn't a question. It was a statement, and from the tone it was clear he didn't expect an answer. But Heero felt like answering, if only to let the pressure out for a bit. 'Yeah, well... I miss him, and I really want him to be here, so... yeah,' he said. He wasn't able to say more, because he knew that otherwise he'd start to cry. And he didn't want that. So he stopped. And Quatre just turned back to the tree, and laid the present down. 'I think it's very sweet.' He said, and continued with his own presents.

A blushing Quatre and a snickering Trowa were sitting on the couch. Heero stood by the door, smirking and Wufei was obvious to the others. He was pulling off his coat with a glare. But it was what he revealed what made the others behave like this. No, what made Quatre behave like this. Heero and Trowa were just enjoying seeing their friend like this.

Wufei was wearing tight black pants, and a white button-up shirt. With a glare he walked towards one of the chairs and sat down. 'Good you could make it.' Heero said and Wufei shot a dark look at him.

'Preventers are fools. If they had been OZ during war it would've taken us a lot less time to win it. Honestly! They screw up the easiest missions and leave their mistakes for me to pick up. Honestly, Yuy, I understand fully why you quit.' Wufei complained as he sat down on one of the chairs with a grim expression on his face. 'Then besides the job, how have you been?' Quatre asked with a small blush on his cheeks. 'Besides that I have been fine, thank you. What about yourself?' Wufei asked, his face softening. 'Busy as usual.'

'I think it's a miracle you haven't been squashed yet under those heaps of paperwork you have to do.' Wufei remarked and Quatre snickered with a small blush. 'I work myself through them very quickly, actually.' Quatre said and with a wave of his hand dismissing the subject of his job.

That night they ate at Heero's house. Talking about the things they'd done since the last time they had seen each other. The topic of war had long been left behind, and also there wasn't a word said about Duo, which Heero was actually grateful for.

On the first day of Christmas they woke up around eleven and enjoyed a late brunch. That evening, they went out to dinner to a small and cozy restaurant.

'You know,' Quatre said, pointing his fork towards Trowa. 'I don't think being thrown daggers at and dressing up as a clown can be taken as a profession.'

'Then how come I make money?' Trowa asked with a smirk and Quatre smiled. 'Luck, I guess. But I'm sure at the moment Heero has it best,' Quatre said, shooting a look to Heero, who only grunted in reply.

He almost always thought about the other man, but with Christmas it was worst. Christmas was the time that Duo had first kissed him. Christmas had been the time that he had learned to care. But Christmas had also been the time that Duo had left. And still everyday, but especially during Christmas, Heero hoped to find Duo standing on his doorstep.

'Your silent tonight, Heero.' Quatre suddenly said, and Heero looked at him. 'I guess I don't have anything useful to say.' He answered and Quatre nodded with a sad smile.

'Well, anyway. It's nice that we're all here to enjoy Christmas.' Quatre said, trying to lighten the mood. But he didn't succeed, because Wufei said: 'Not all of us.' And everybody was silent for a moment, before they changed the subject and talked about happier things.

He groaned as he shot an angry look at his alarm clock. Five thirty. What kind of person would get it in their righteous mind to come knocking on his door on this ungodly hour? He groaned as he stretched a bit, grumpily crawling out of his bed and putting on his black pajama pants. A bit groggily he walked towards the door, calling out a sleepy 'coming' as he fumbled with the key to get the door open. And the moment he opened the door, he froze.

His eyes grew wide, he paled and he was nailed to the ground. His heart stopped a beat as he gazed at the person in front of him. He closed his eyes, opening them again to see if he wasn't still sleeping. But he wasn't.

And his mind was reeling. Mostly around the question of what the fuck Duo was doing here. He wanted so badly to reach out and hold the man, but something stopped him. Duo had changed, his expression had lost that sparkle that Heero had loved. And it wasn't Duo without one. Duo smiled uncomfortably under Heero's gaze, a fake one he could see, before he shifted and spoke.

'Hi,' Duo said, an uneasy smile playing on his lips. 'Hi,' Heero answered. 'You've changed.' Duo noted and Heero let out a laugh that could be described as grim, but wasn't meant to sound like that. 'Yeah, two years can do that to a person.'

The words were harsh and Heero saw Duo flinch. They stood like that for five minutes. Heero's cold stare from during war had returned, and Duo stood there, not feeling comfortable. 'Uh... can I please come in?'

For a moment Heero seemed to doubt, but after a second or five he did move a bit to the side so that Duo could enter. With small, hesitant steps the man walked in, not taking his coat off nor sitting down. Without a word Heero passed the man, standing still in front of the window. He opened the curtain and looked outside.

'You're tired, you should rest.' Heero said as he gave a wave towards the bedrooms. 'You know your way around, just be careful picking a room. Quatre, Wufei and Trowa are here too.'

'Heero...' Duo started but Heero cut in coldly and emotionless. 'No Duo, go to sleep.' He said and Duo went, knowing the whole time Heero had stood still and had stared out the window, stoic.

'Good morning, Heero! You're up early.' Heero looked up to see a beaming Quatre standing in front of him. With a sigh he turned his head away and buried himself deeper in the chair he sat in. He hadn't slept since Duo had come, he hadn't even tried dragging himself back to bed.

He had done a lot of thinking. Why was Duo here? Where had the light in the mans eyes gone? How was he doing?

But all questions needed to be answered by Duo. Which meant he had to talk with Duo. And he didn't want that. Because now, he could at least pretend he was the same Duo he'd fallen in love with. At least now he didn't have to face reality... again.

'Heero... what's wrong?' Quatre suddenly asked and Heero looked up at him. For a moment he looked forlorn, but that was over fast as he spoke. 'Duo is here.'

Quatre gasped softly, eyes growing wide. 'Really? Where is he? When did he come? How is he? What -'

'He's sleeping.' Heero said, expression emotionless and voice sharp. 'O, okay. Guess now you can give him your present after all.' Quatre said, beaming. But Heero didn't nod, as Quatre had expected. He just sat with a grim expression on his face. For a moment Quatre smiled sadly before sitting down on the ground in front of Heero.

'Penny for your thoughts, Heero.'

'I... don't know.'

'Don't know what, Heero?' Quatre asked, gently coaxing Heero to tell him what was wrong. Thought it was obvious, with Heero you never knew. 'It's just that... With you and Wufei it's different. You only have to walk up to him and say "I love you" and you'll live happily ever after.' He said, a bit of a jealous ring to his words. 'With me and Duo, it's not that easy... ever.'

'But Heero, he came back, didn't he?'

'You haven't seen him! What came back is not Duo! He's got no light in his eyes. And where has he been for the past two years? He left without a word once, who says he won't do it again?'

Heero sounded forlorn and desperation shone in his eyes. 'You poor thing.' Quatre said, as he sat down on the arm of the chair to embrace Heero. 'You're afraid of getting hurt. But it will be fine. You just have to talk to him.'

'But at least now I can pretend... that he's the same.' Heero said, leaning his head against Quatre's shoulder. 'No one stays the same forever, Heero. Look at you, you've changed a million!' Quatre said, and Heero sighed. Yeah, so much was true.

'What are the two of you doing?' A cool voice suddenly asked and Quatre's head shot up immediately. 'I-uh... nothing.' He stammered out, sounding distressed. 'Hn,' was the grunted reply and footsteps sounded to the kitchen. 'No... wait!' Quatre said as he jumped up. But before he ran off he shot Heero a questioning look. 'It's okay, go after him.' He said. But what he meant was: "_Go tell Wufei you love him."_

And that was exactly what Quatre was going to do as he left for the kitchen.

Three hours later Heero had moved to the kitchen. Quatre and Wufei had left. Finally the high word was out and they had gone to take a stroll through the park together. Trowa was making him and Heero some coffee and Duo was probably still sleeping. Heero didn't know what the other man was doing. If he said he didn't care, he was lying. But he could tell in all honesty that he rather not know right now.

'Here you go, best coffee in town.' Trowa said as he put down a bit mug in front of Heero. Heero smiled a small thanks to his friend as Trowa also sat down himself. He had sat down in the chair that stood closest to Heero, and he laid a hand on the other mans shoulder in a comforting gesture. 'Let's hope he won't awake for a long time. It's unfair for you to grieve.' He said, but Heero just stared into the black liquid. It took a moment to let the words sink in, but when they did Heero looked up at Trowa through his bangs. 'Trowa...' He started, question written in his features. But Trowa just shook his head with a sad smile. 'You -'

'No, Heero.' Trowa interrupted him. 'Just like you, I like to pretend.'

'Pretend what, Trowa?' _That I love you too... _he thought, but he could not say the words. He wondered why on Earth he hadn't realized this any sooner than he did. Perhaps he had really been too caught up with Duo to notice that Trowa cared more for him than just a friend.

'Pretend that you don't know.' Trowa answered, and smiled. 'But Trowa, I could try.' Heero said. And he could. And at the moment he really wished it had been Trowa, instead of Duo he had been in love with. Because the other man was there for him. Because the other man didn't make him as confused as he was now.

'Yes, you could. But I won't give you that chance. Your heart does not belong to me. Nor does mine to you. It'll fade with time. Now I only want you to be happy.' Trowa said and smiled, a smile of happiness. And even though Heero didn't fully understand he nodded, a sad smile playing on his own lips. 'Love is the cruelest thing.'

'Quatre and Wufei would disagree. And I do to. It's only a cruel thing that for the person that needs it most, it doesn't work out easily.' Trowa said, and Heero sighed. He wanted to bury his head somewhere, and never move it again. And as if Trowa had read his mind, the man embraced Heero. Heero closed his eyes and rested his head on Trowa's shoulder. 'I want to be strong again.' He whispered.

'Who says you aren't now? Heero, you are the strongest person I have ever met. You have overcome so many things. I'm sure this will only be one of your gainings too.' Trowa spoke. And they sat for that for at least fifteen minutes. Heero trying not to think about anything and Trowa just being glad to be give a chance to hold Heero.

Suddenly a soft shuffling by the door disturbed them. 'Duo, hello.' Trowa said, as he slowly released Heero and sat up again. 'Hi there, Trowa.' Duo answered back, but his voice quivered with nervousness. 'How have you been?' Trowa asked and now Heero finally looked up to the doorway.

Duo had bags under his eyes. His lips were formed in a thin line and his eyes stood cold, without their sparkle in them. 'Could have been better.' Duo grounded out and Trowa smiled politely at him. Duh, Heero thought, we can see that. 'C'mon Duo, drink coffee with us. If that's all right with Heero.' Trowa said as he shot Heero a look. Heero shrugged, took one last gulp of his coffee and stood up. 'He can take my place. I'm going to take a shower.' He said, and left the kitchen within seconds.

He closed his eyes tightly, as the hot water of the shower hit his back. It was so hot it almost burned, but that could also be because it felt as if his whole body was burning. The small incident in the kitchen had left him feeling drained. He hoped, even though he knew it wouldn't help, that the water would wash away his sorrows, his problems.

Ten minutes later, when he walked towards the living room, he felt tired, but not drained. He stumbled a bit as he saw Duo sitting on the couch, looking at him with piercing eyes for a second, but turning his head away in shame.

'Where is Trowa,' he demanded wearily. Duo turned his head away as he looked outside. 'He went to buy some groceries. He'll be back in an hour.'

'Hm, okay.' Heero said as he made his way to the kitchen. He looked over his shoulder, only for a second. But Duo's forlorn composure struck him immediately as it had always done before. He sighed at his own weakness for the young man as he turned to Duo. 'You want some coffee?' He asked, his voice still sounding gruff. But it was an improvement to what he said to the man before.

'Uh, yeah… please.' Duo answered. Heero started the coffee machine and moments later, when he turned around, he came face to face with violet eyes. Again his heart skipped a beat as he was yet again faced with Duo in a situation he knew he couldn't get away from. 'Duo,'

'Wait, Heero…' Duo said, his voice sounding raw and alien to Heero's ears. This was not _his _Duo. This was the person that Duo had become during two years of absence, and Heero pondered what had become of him. 'How have you been?'

For a moment Heero was filled with anger. Of all the things Duo could have said, of all the things he could have explained…

But it does mean he is curious as to how you've been. A small voice in the back of his head told him. Perhaps he still cares. True love never wears off completely. 'I've managed. Stopped with Preventers a couple of months ago.'

'And you…' Duo closed his eyes, opening them again to reveal a sad twinkling playing in them. 'I want to congratulate you -' Here he took a small gasp, before continuing. 'You and Trowa.'

'What for?' Heero asked. He knew damn well what Duo was saying, and the words were out before he even realized it. But he just wanted to hear Duo say it. So that he himself could point out that he had not loved another besides the man. Make him feel guilty for what he had done. It was cruel, yes he knew, but the other man deserved it.

'Your relationship, Heero. For the thing you have with him now that you… could have had with me. If I hadn't left.' Duo spoke, and Heero could see. Duo wanted to cry. But as always there were probably the same words spooking in his head. _Boys don't cry. _

'I'm not in a relationship with Trowa. Haven't been able to be in one ever since you left.' Heero said, and Duo looked as if he had been hit. The astonishment on his face, the fear in his composure and the slight sparkle of hope playing in his eyes.

Yes, Heero noticed now. Since this morning, the light in Duo's eyes was returning gradually. But way to slow for the likings of the ex-Perfect Soldier. 'Y-you haven't?' Duo asked and Heero shook his head. 'T-then, Heero? Do you still care for me?'

'Yes, I do.' Heero answered, and now it was his turn to turn his head away. But instead of staring at the ground, Heero started to grab mucks and pour coffee in them. 'I've tried not to anymore. But I found it was no use. In the first months I thought you had left because I wasn't adapting enough. So I tried to get myself to change until I could live easily in this new world of peace.' He said. The words came out so easily. But that could also be because he had had this conversation before, in his head. Practicing and trying what to say.

'But when I could, and I thought things were fine you didn't come back. So I asked Quatre. Who said you needed time for yourself. To get used to this all. So I took his word to that, hoping you would be back for the next Christmas. But you weren't.

I started to worry, wanting to know where you were. But that was soon over as I realized you were not coming back to me. I tried to get over you. But Duo, I really loved you. And then you suddenly left! My heart was broken and I didn't know if you were ever coming back. I wondered where you had gone and how you were for at least a thousand times a day.

And now you are here and I wonder. Where has that light in your eyes gone that I loved so much. And, will you break my heart a second time?' He ended in a whisper and only now had the guts to turn around and look at Duo. But Duo wasn't standing anymore. He had sat down on a chair and buried his face in his hands.

'You're crying,' Heero whispered softly, but didn't move. He wanted to embrace Duo, so much. But before he did, he needed answers. He needed to know for sure that his heart was safe this time, because he couldn't bear to have it broken again.

'I-… yes, I am.' Duo said, as he looked up at Heero. 'The light will return Heero, it will.' He said, and smiled sadly through his tears. 'I noticed it got lost. Trowa told me it was because I wasn't with you, when I met him. I… it took me three fucking months to get the words! It took me three months to come back to you. And now all I whish for was that I realized it sooner.' He said, and looked out of the window with a sideward glance. 'And before you met Trowa, where were you?'

'Everywhere, nowhere. I left because you hadn't adapted enough. Yes, I believed that. But it was more because I wasn't adapting. The first half year I tried to get me back again, the real me. But it didn't work. So I just thought that… it was killed together with all those other persons during war.

It was only at Christmas that I realized it didn't die. I just left it behind with you. I realized that if I wanted to be happy, I had to be with you. But what would you think? I had left so suddenly! I couldn't just return and say: "Hi, let's fuck." I just didn't know what to do.'

'And now you do?' Heero asked, a bit of hope playing in his voice. If Duo knew… if he could only say that he loved him. Then they could work things out.

'Yes, Heero. I love you, I love you still! Would you… would you take me back?' He hesitated, looked at Heero with eyes filled with fear. But they were also eyes filled with light. And Heero nodded.

With a cry Duo flew up and embraced Heero, burying his head in the others neck and crying. 'Heero… I love you. You wouldn't know just how happy I am. I love you.'

'I love you to, Duo.' Heero said, but pushed Duo away a bit so he could look in the others eyes. 'If you ever leave again, I'll kill you.'

'No, I'll kill myself before that will happen, I swear.' Duo whispered, as he looked at Heero's lips and then in Heero's eyes again. Heero smiled, and leaned forward. And it was amazing. Touching Duo's lips again in a gentle caress after two years. He circled his arm around Duo's neck to pull him a bit closer. He never wanted to let go anymore, ever.

Later, they sat on the couch. Duo's head rested against Heero's shoulder. Heero was playing with the end of Duo's braid and Duo giggled softly. 'So, do you think Trowa will be long?' Duo asked and Heero looked at him with a frown. 'Duo?'

'Yeah?'

'You do know that on Christmas, no shop is opened, right.'

**The End**


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